I have learned a lesson about moisture and mold from living in my van. The fact that I am nice and cozy warm in my sleeping bag at night is wonderful, but mold also thinks that’s wonderful to. I’m also thinking that “society” as we know it might just be walking around in the Emperor’s New Clothes if you know what I mean. Here’s what happened to me.

         The van I upgraded to wasn’t a new van, it was a used work van, and I am totally happy with that. On a very cold morning, she wouldn’t start and I called AAA thinking I just needed a jump start. My brother, over the phone, said he didn’t think it was the battery and asked me if I had gas. Of course I have gas! I wouldn’t let it go below a quarter of a tank! Well, turns out that I didn’t have gas at all, as the mechanic showed me. The sensor had gone bad, most likely from the prior owner not filling the tank all the way regularly. I was mentally prepared, knowing that I had purchased a used vehicle that had over 100K miles on it and it was bound to need some older vehicle love. What I wasn’t prepared for was the sight under my mattress when I had to move it for the guys to get under my bed.

         The plywood platform that I had built, but did not apply finish to, was very damp and spotted with black in the shape of a body sleeping on its side. I was horrified!! Mind you, I already had a cold this season and have been battling another one when this was discovered, and I am usually the lucky person who only catches a cold once every 10 years or so. This discovery was both welcome and unwelcome at the same time. I found the reason for my illness, but holy moly! Did it have to be that!?

         I promptly ordered products to get rid of moisture and a new mattress, as the foam mattress wasn’t covered on the bottom and some black bits of mold were up inside the warm wet foam. I also discovered that I’m not alone! Other people have gone through this and there are mats to put between your mattress and the wood to promote air flow, as well as covers and other dehumidifying products to keep around your (micro) RV. All items ordered, and purchased, and looking at the weather forecast calling for 0°-20° temperatures, I decided to use some of the money I have saved to get myself a hotel room for a few nights. Nurse myself back to health while some things travel to me through the mail.

         I don’t live your typical van-life-influencer lifestyle. I have a desk job and I’m fortunate to not only have a gym in the building, but it’s also connected to a posh Marriot hotel. I thought, Why not? And booked myself 3 nights at $259 a night, thinking yeah, I deserve some posh living for a little bit. How convenient. The room, my van, my job. It was all in one spot for 3 days and beyond a drive to my mom’s house to see Dali, the bird, I didn’t have to do anything but rest.

My room was on the 12^th floor and as I navigated the hallways to my room, I thought I was going to be in a lavish room that felt decadent and elite. The Jets stay there when they are playing in New York, after all. Well… I’m not sure if they checked the resume for the person designing the rooms. They might have been going for “minimalism” but I’ve seen pictures of Danish jail cells that looked more inviting. Two queen beds in white on white. A modern fainting chair was the only seat beside the desk chair. A small and heavy brass table that had no seats around it and was only big enough for one person to have a meal on. A very large TV was mounted above a long white frosted glass desk, where the desk chair was. You wouldn’t be able to eat there and watch TV as it was way too close. A long console table was next to the desk. It held the obligatory coffee pot, which was the same one they had at the Motel 6 outside of Marysville Washington. The left cabinet held a safe, the right cabinet had an empty mini fridge. A shelf held the ice bucket, two glasses and two mini bottles of purified water, one of which was open and half empty! There was one shallow drawer. A closet.

I honestly felt robbed. THIS was $259 a night? So, the wallpaper wasn’t peeling. The leak in the toilet wasn’t bad enough for me to call and disturb my stay. The sheets were comfortable and the towels were soft, but it felt like they were going for minimalism and did it all wrong. The only décor was one wall as a picture mural of the George Washington Bridge (you could see NY out of the window so I suppose that would be a draw for people outside of the area). There was no artwork on the walls. No vase with a single flower. Nothing. No decorations at all.

I was given a discount when I visibly shuddered at the $289 a night price and cut my stay short a day. I thought perhaps they gave me a room that was in the middle of being decorated. Looking online I saw that no, I was indeed in a regular room. This was how they intended it. Sure, it looks nice in the photos but I couldn’t help feeling like I was just in a brand-new cheap hotel. Perhaps the clientele between the two don’t normally mix. Well, I’m here to tell the rich people, You Are Being Lied To!

I have very good taste, actually. If you were to put a bunch of things in front of me, I can usually pick out the most expensive thing. I won’t buy it because I grew up frugal and justify every dollar that I spend before I spend it. But rest assured, I can usually spot the most lavish and lush thing on the market shelf. This hotel room was not it. I am also a minimalist! Not in the everything is gray kind of way, but in the I only have a certain number of items that I own and I love each one of them kind of way. I know the difference between need and want. What I wanted from the Marriot was to feel pampered and like I was living the way The Upper Class do. Well, if that’s what they are living with, I feel bad for them. The Emperor’s New Clothes comes to mind. I think someone led you guys astray somewhere along the line.